Make your own free website on Tripod.com
Fonzies Guide to Being Cool | The Original King Of Comedy | You're Such A Potsie! | The Band | H.T.T.W | Inspiration Point | Potsie & Ralph: Milwaukee's Top Bachelors | Wanna Be A Fonzette? | Enter: The Twilight Zone | Happy Days Mafia | WANTED: ALF | Seize & Destroy: Facts Of Life | Arnolds | Cunningham Hardware | I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar! | Past Present, & Future | Rent: $60/Month | Milwaukee Journal | Spike & Chachi: The Great Debate | Jerry Springer: The Happy Days Story | Election: 2002 | Pieces Of You | ThE BaTHro0m WaLL | Thumbs Up | Extra! Extra!

Home

Happy Days
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
logodds.gif

Ladies & Gentlemen, put your hands together for the 8th Wonder Of The World...JERRY SPRINGER!

It was voted the #1 worst show on Television..JERRY SPRINGER!!!

These are all stories we started on the Happy Days Message Board.
 
"Chachi...I'm pregnant with your cousin's baby..."
Fonzie comes out and Chachi goes berserk, throwing chairs and stuff, until Steve, the big bald bodyguard, steps in.
After the ruckus subsides, Jerry announces there's a surprise guest waiting backstage. It's Potsie Webber! He comes out, declaring his love for Joanie, and he, Chachi, and Fonz get in a threeway battle.
But alas, Joanie has decided that she doesn't want to be with any of them. For you see, she's been cheating on Chachi, Fonzie, AND Potsie...with Jenny Piccolo!

----
Jerry: Please welcome my next guest...Al!
(Audience applauds)
Jerry: Al, welcome to the show. Now, you brought your wife Louisa here today because you have something to tell her...is that right?
Al: *lowers his head* Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Jerry: What is it Al?
Al: I only married Louisa...to get to her son Chachi. *Breaks down* He's the one I'm really in love with!
(Audience Boos)
Jerry: Okay...lets bring out...Louisa!
Jerry: Ok, welcome back. Today we're talking to people who are secretly in love with their stepchildren.
(Audience boos and groans)
Jerry: Before we went to break we talked to Al, who has some disturbing news for his wife, Louisa. Let's bring Louisa out!
(Audience applauds)
Louisa: Al, what's wrong, you look sick honey. Did you put too much oregano in your spaghetti sauce again?
Al: *takes Louisa's hand* No...sweetheart...I have something to tell you. I...I'm in love with someone else.
(Audience groans in empathy as Louisa gasps)
Louisa: What?! Oh my god! Who is she? Who is she?!
Al: It's...it's..
Jerry: *interrupting* Let's bring out the OTHER WOMAN!
(Chachi comes bounding onstage with his guitar, thinking he's there to play a gig)
Al: Chachi, Chachi, Chachi...
(Audience boos)
Louisa: Al! How could you? He's my son!
Al: But he's just so cute!
Chachi: *still confused at the audiences reaction* But I didn't play anything yet!
Jerry: The story gets even more exciting folks. When we come back, Chachi's girlfriend has some shoking news. Stay with us.
Jerry: Ok, we're back! Today we're uncovering some pretty insane stories...and we're just getting started. Please welcome Joanie to the show!
(Audience applauds and Chachi, who is still standing in the middle of the stage with his guitar, still has no idea what's going on)
Chachi: Joanie, what are you doing here? I thought you didn't want to be part of the band anymore.
Joanie: You're not here to sing Chach. I have to tell you something.
(audience goes 'Ooooohhhh!')
Jerry: That's right...Joanie, you have something to tell your boyfriend, isn't that right.
Joanie: Yes, Jerry. *turns to Chachi* Chach, do you remember that first month when you moved to Chicago, right after Al and your mom got married? When I was still in Milwaukee?
Chachi: Yeah? *strums guitar* Are you sure I'm not suppposed to be singing?
Jerry: If I were you I'd be singing the blues, kid. *Looks at Al and grimaces*
(Audience chants 'Jerry! Jerry!')
Joanie: I'm trying to tell you something here, Chach. Look, during that time, I went up to Inspiration Point with Potsie. I was bored, and it was something to do. Anyway, we, um...we had some children...
Jerry: Let's bring out the quintuplets!
(Audience cheers, Potsie comes out pushing a baby stroller with 5 babies in it)
Louisa: Joanie, how did you hide a pregnancy all those months you were with us in Chicago?
Joanie: I held the tamborine in front of my stomach.
(Chachi, being somewhat slow, looks over at Al)
Chachi: Hold on a sec...are you telling me that Al has the hots for me?!!!
Jerry: Where have you been kid? Weren't you paying attention?
Chachi: Oh God! Anything but that! Noooooooooooooooo! *Runs across the stage and jumps out a tenth story window*
Jerry: Tomorrow on Springer, 'My son killed himself when he found out his step-father was in love with him'
(Audience cheers, credits roll)
(Over credits, Joanie and Potsie push the 5 babies in the stroller down the hallway...)
Potsie: Hey Joanie, I just thought of something.
Joanie: What?
Potsie: How come all of our babies have red hair? They look just like Howdy Doody.
Joanie: *Smirks at camera* That's another topic for another show.

----
Jerry: Ladies and Gentlemen, on today's show, we'll be talking about families and friends. close knit famlies and friends. much closer than we thought. Let's bring out Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham and their daughter Joanie all the way from MILWAUKEE!!!
(The C's walk out with Joanie nervously walking on stage)

Marion: Hello, Jerry, how are you today?
Jerry: Marion, I should be asking you how do you feel today..
Marion: Well, our good friend, Arthur, said he had something very important to tell us. But I never knew he would bring us out in front of a live audience. oh dear...(starts to stress)
Jerry: And Howard?
Howard: I'm gonna kill Fonzie when he gets here
Jerry: And how are you today, little Joanie?
Joanie: Well, I have an idea about what Fonzie's gonna tell us since I saw...something...happen
(Audience oooh's,The C's look at her in shock)
Jerry: Well, on that cue, let's bring out FONZIE!!!!
(Audience screams hysterically, Fonzie walks out)
Fonzie: Uh, hey Mr. and Mrs. C
Jerry: Fonzie, do you have something important to tell them?
Fonzie: Yeah, Jerry, just give me a moment (voice starts to break). Mr. and Mrs. C, you guys have been my parents. You're the greatest people on this earth since leather jackets were invented. Joanie, you've been like a little sister to me, I adore you with all my heart. Red....Richie's been special to me....verrrry special.....
Howard: (starts to understand) how...special?
Fonzie: Mr. C.....I love your son!
(Howard gets up to attack Fonzie, but Steve stops him. Marion starts to scream and cry and laugh alternatively. Joanie rushes at him and manages to kick him)
Fonzie: I know you're upset. And I'm....s--so--s-sorry to say this, but he loves me too!
(Howard tries harder to kill Fonzie)
Jerry: Well, let's bring out Richie Cunningham!
(Audience boos, Richie walks out on stage and he and Fonzie "go at it" on stage, Howard starts to scream and curse)
Richie: Dad, Mom....Joanie. I'm very sorry to hurt you, but it started so long ago! We had our bits and pieces of affairs when he wasn't living in the house yet. But when he moved in (he rubs Fonzie's hand), we became very close. All those times I'd go up there for "advice" from Fonzie...yeah...we did more than talk!
(Howard breaks lose from Steve and almost kills Richie, but Fonzie steps in and they have a little fight till Steve breaks them up, Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE)
Marion: Oh Richard! How could you? ARTHUR!!! I thought you were like a son to me!!!
Fonzie: I was like a son, Mrs. C
Joanie: Sons don't have relationships with their brothers!
Fonzie: I was a very close son.
Marion: But what about all those girls?
Fonzie: It was a cover..to hide my true feelings from the world so I would not be humilated!
Jerry: Richie...you have something to tell Fonzie, don't you?
(Audience: Ooooh, Fonzie stares hard at Richie and even Howars stops struggling to watch)
Riche: Fonzie, you can't blame me for this. I was...tired..and I needed someone...you weren't there...I thought it wouldn't amount to anything....
Jerry: Let's bring out Richie's Greenland Fire!
(Audience screams as a figure walks out)
Person: How are ya! How are ya! How are ya!
Jerry: Ladies and Gents, Ralph Malph!!!
(Fonzie stares cruelly at Richie)
Fonzie: How could you give up this hunk a burnin' love (motions to self) for a nerd?!?!
Ralph: Fonzie, Fonzie, Fonzie....it's perfectly understandable that Richie would want to give up you for me. We look alike, so people won't suspect anything when they notice that Little Richie looks nothing like him...
Fonzie: That's ridiculous. I gave Red my personal permission to father his child...
Richie: I didn't father my child, Fonz
Howard: You didn't...
Marion: OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Joanie: But if you didn't...then....oh no!!!
Richie: You see, Fonz. Lori Beth swore that she would tell everyone if I didn't give her a child. But I couldn't bring myself to do it...
Ralph: I get a call from Richie over here and he wants me to do him a favor. Well, I get LB a little tipsy....9 months later....sigh, I never knew how accurate I was...
Fonzie: And so how does this stupid plan lead to an extra affair, Red?!?!
Richie: Well, you see....I...uh....er...oh boy...
Ralph: Fonzie, my son (puts arm around Fonzie). I promised this little favor...if Richie would do me a favor...
Fonzie: (glaring at Ralph) Malph!
Ralph: Fonzie, you'll be suprised how much confidence that little favor Richie gave me
Richie: believe me, Fonz, it was a one time thing that....became a two time thing
Jerry: Well, we're sure this arguement can go on forever, but we have a suprise for all of you. She's been listening backstage and trust me...she's not pleased. Ladies and Gents, LORI BETH CUNNINGHAM!!!!
(Audience cheers and Lori Beth walks out on stage angrily. She walks over to Richie and hits him over the head. Steve lets go of Mr. C to go stop her and Mr. C rushes at Fonzie. Mr. C hits Fonzie from behind and Ralph stands there laughing till Joanie gets up and knees him. Other bodyguards manage to restrain them all)
Lori Beth: DEATH DO US PART!!!! SOUND FAMILIAR?!?!? WELL WE'RE GONNA PART! AND I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S GONNA DIE!!Richie: LB, honey, trust me, you have...a special...but different part of my heart
Lori Beth: My own child!!! Little Richie wasn't even fathered by his own $@%!$@% father!!
Ralph: Baby, you gotta admit. You knew that it wasn't that pathetic husband of yours, it was me!
Lori Beth: Ralph Malph, you sicko, I'll have you arrested for this.
Jerry: Calm down, calm down. Richie, this your wife. You knew you were in love with Fonzie but yet you married her and you can't even give her a good life?
Ralph: He loves me!
(Joanie knees him again, Marion sobs hysterically and Howard sits there, distraught)
Jerry: Fonzie, you read his wedding vows for him?!?! Do you all have any decency?! Why am I asking them that? I'm hosting the show!
Fonzie: Hey, Red married her so people wouldn't question our love any more (Ralph laughs). Malph, I'm gonna make your head fly!
Jerry: Well, that's all the time we have today folks, but we have one last suprise for you. POTSIE WEBBER!
(Audience cheers but quickly dies down when they see how Potsie is dressed. He's wearing a Ku Klux Klan robe)
Potsie: You're all going to hell...
----
Jerry: On today's episode, we've gone to the bustling (not!) city of Milwaukee to find some secret trysts going on in a not so average, but middle class neighborhood...our first guest is the local police dude, Officer Kirk!
(Audience jeers. someone throws stuff. Officer Kirk walks out)
Jerry: Kirk..
Kirk: Officer Kirk
Jerry: Sorry, Officer Kirk, do you know why you're hear today
Kirk: To keep these hooligans under control since your bald bodyguards can't?!
(Audience jeers! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE!)
Jerry: No, Kirk...
Kirk: Officer Kirk
Jerry: Officer Kirk, we happened to find out about some of your...secret passions (Audience oooh's) and we bring you here today to let you know that it's okay whatever you're feeling. Do you want to tell us, Officer Kirk?
Kirk: I don't know what you're talking about..
Jerry: Isn't it true that you're so angry against local "hooligans" because one of them rejects you in your heart?
Kirk: Fonzie...
Jerry: Why don't you tell us about Fonzie, Kirk
Kirk: It was years ago. I saw him walking down the street with two girls on each arm. They were stroking his leather jacket despite the heat. The sun was starting to get to me. I wondered how it would feel to stroke that jacket. To run my hands up and down that leather. I started to feel angry because those girls were doing it and I wasn't...so I started to whistle and I told them not to make a public spectacle. Fonzie and I had a...an arguement and I reached out and grabbed his jacket. He took it as an insult, but all I wanted to do was to stroke that leather...
Jerry: There's more, isn't there Kirk?
Kirk: I decided that I wanted to be a bigger part of Fonzie's life and maybe...prevent him from seeing girls. So I enforced a curfew on those kids. I thought maybe, this would make Fonzie come running to me. Of course...he didn't. I also tried to run him out of town because I thought that if he didn't have friends anymore, he could always ask me for help.
Jerry: The militia, Kirk?
Kirk: I made him join because...because...I thought it would be rather...pleasing to see him...exert himself. Of course, it didn't work out.
Jerry: Kirk, we have a suprise for you. While you were declaring this, we got Fonzie and had him listen to the whole thing. Ladies and Gents, Fonzie!
(Audience cheers happily!!!! Fonzie walks out and stops)
Fonzie: Woah, Kirk, WOAH!
Jerry: Fonzie...I can understand that you're upset, but remember that things like this-
Fonzie: KIRK! I never knew you felt the same way!!!
(Audience gasps! Jerry is stunned to silence)
Fonzie: All my life, Kirk, all I wanted to do was...make you happy so that maybe you'd want to take me. But those stupid kids are always running here and there, (high falsetto voice) "Fonzie, help me! Fonzie, help me!" I knew they'd get suspicious if I didn't help them. And now...now, I don't care
(They rush at each other and...well....yeah.....they're drifting into MA)
Jerry: Fonzie, as you must know, there are more than a few females in love with you in this town, but we found the one who loves you the most...
Fonzie: (breathless) Paula!?!
Jerry: No, a woman who's listened and saw everything. She was going to come out here today to declare her love. Clearly, circumstances (eyes Kirk) have stopped that. But because we're a show that doesn't care about humility, dignity or respect, we'll bring her out anyway!
(a screaming figure is pushed out. The audience looks on expectantly and gasps when they see it's....)
Howard: (from audience) Marion!!!
Marion: (crying) Oh Arthur! For years, I've fed you and helped you, hoping so hard to become on your beloveds. (shrikeing) BUT NOW I KNOW YOU SWING THAT WAY!!!
Fonzie: Mrs. C...
Kirk: Now, you look here, Marion, Fonzie belongs to me now. You had your chance and now you've lost him!
Marion: (goes over to Fonzie) I've given you kisses everyday, Arthur, didn't you know what they meant??? Those dance lessons. They were the highlight of my life!
Fonzie: Oh, Mrs. C (envelopes her in a big hug and kisses her)
Howard: (climbing out from audience) Why, you dirty, rotten little...
Kirk: Fonzarelli!
(Fonzie lazily snaps his head back to Kirk)
Jerry: Fonzie, which way do you swing?!?!
Howard: (almost out) Both apparently!
Jerry: Well to prove that we're a bunch of dirty, rotten low lives, we bring out more people!
(Richie and Joanie come running through the door and start to beat Fonzie who is trying to hurt them. Steve finishes his jelly donut and runs to go help Fonzie)
Richie: My mother! you miserable...!!
Fonzie: Red, you better stop before my fist swings THAT way!
Marion: Oh Arthur, not my son! Not Richie!
Kirk: Not so fast, lady!
(Kirk swings his hand and slaps her. Marion stands there, shocked. Howard comes running up on stage and jumps on Kirk)
Howard: She might have cheated on me. She might swing THAT way, but she's still my wife!
Marion: Oh Howard!
(Meanwhile Joabie and Richie are still trying to kill Fonzie. Steve looks exhausted)
Jerry: Now wait a minute! WAIT A MINUTE!
(everyone stops)
Jerry: Can't we discuss this like civilized people?
(everyone looks at him strangely)
Jerry: Oh what am I saying? This is Springer! Go right ahead!
(everyone resumes fighting)
Jerry: (people fighting behind him) Well tune in tomorrow folks for "My son has quite the face!"
----

Jerry: Thanks and welcome to todays show. Todays topic is "I'm Not As Apple Pie As I Seem!" Let's bring out our first guest...Richie!
(Applause)
Jerry: Thanks for coming today, Richie.
Richie: No problem.
Jerry: So...you have something you'd like to tell your family today?
Richie: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: Okay, bring 'em out!
(Howard, Marion and Joanie come out, Audience applauds)
Jerry: So, Richie...what is it you need to tell your family? Let me guess...are you having an affair with someone?
Richie: Um...no.
Jerry: Are you secretly in love with your sister?
Richie: No.
Jerry: Your mother?
Richie: NO!
Jerry: Your father?
Richie: Ew! No...I'm not secretly in love with anyone.
Jerry: Oh. Are you a pimp?
Richie: (confused) What's a pimp?
Jerry: Oh, this is rediculous. Tell me...do you even LIVE in a trailer park?
Richie: No. I live in a two-story colonial in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Jerry: (Puts his hand over his eyes) Richie...why are you here?
Richie: Oh. Ok. (Richie stands up and clears his throat) Mom, dad, Joanie...there's something I have to say. I...I left the milk out overnight. I'm sorry. It was a mistake, and it'll never happen again.
(Audience groans, a chair is hurled)
Jerry: (Throws down his stack of 'Springer' cue cards) Who let this Howdy Doody-lookalike in here?
Meanwhile...backstage...
(Lori Beth and Fonzie are watching on the monitor)
Lori Beth: You were right Fonz! It worked! I never would've thought it possible, but you actually managed to bribe Richie at the last minute not to tell his family about catching me with Mr. C at Inspiration Point! How did you do it?
Fonzie: (Pats his jacket pocket which conceals the Polaroids of 13 year old Richie and Roger taking a bath together) I have my sources. Whoaaaaaa!
----
*At hearing Richie's confession, Marion gasps and covers her hand over her mouth*
Marion-- Richard! How could you?!
Howard-- *gags* You WHAT?! I DRANK that milk!!
Joanie-- *watches the audience get upset* Uhhh....big brother, I think you have an even worse problem...
*a chair comes hurling on stage....then another and another*
Ralph-- Hey, it's raining chairs!! *no one finds the joke amusing*
*Fonzie stands up and snaps his fingers. The audience falls silent*
Jerry-- Let's listen to Mr. Fonzarelli. Do you have any secret confessions?
Fonz-- Aaayyhhh....I'm the Fonz. I've got stories that would turn your ears red.
Jerry-- *chuckles* You'd be surprised. I've heard it all. I'm sure nothing you could say could shock me.....
Fonz-- Well, last night I went out with the Hooper Triplets and well....*grins*......I better not say this out loud......*wispers in Jerry's ear*
*Jerry blushes and chuckles*
Jerry-- Oh my! That is impressive!! However, it's not nearly good enough for the show....our audiences want to hear twisted stories. Your experiences are definitely unusual, but......rather normal...
Fonz-- Whooaahh! Did you just call me....*stutters* nooo...nnooorrr....normal?!
*The audience "ooohhh's" at Jerry's just having called Fonzie normal"
Jerry-- Not normal....actually, quite extraordinary. Can you give me pointers later?
Fonz-- *rubs his fingers on his jacket* That's better. Sure, I can give you pointers. The Fonz has compassion for NERDS....
Jerry-- Excuse me?! NERD?! I am no such thing.....*tries to tackle the Fonz, but the Fonz simply steps out of the way and watches Jerry fall on the floor*
Fonz-- The Fonz does NOT fight NERDS....especially not on their turf!
*Jerry, remembering his audience, regains his composure*
Jerry-- You'll have to fogive me for that....Anyway....I read that you, Mr. Fonzarelli, have been having an affair with your best friend Richie Cunningham....
Fonz-- *gasps* WHAT?! Are you NUTSO!?!!
Jerry-- Errrmmmm.....*looks at his cards again* Potsie Webber?
Fonz-- You MUST be NUTSO!!!
Jerry--- *reexamines his cards* That's funny, these have never been wrong before.....Have you been having an affair with Ralph Malph?
Fonz-- Would you like a knuckle sandwhich?! *clenches his fist and snarls at Jerry*
Jerry-- *growing more uncomfortable by the minute* Al Delvecchio? Howard Cunningham?? No...perhaps young Joanie Cunningham?
Fonz-- Will you give it a rest?! I am NOT having an affair with ANY of those people.....but I think my fist has a destined appointment with your face!
*Several guards approach Fonzie, but he gives the thumbs down signal, and they back off.....even Jerry's guards know they are no match for the powers of the Fonz*
Jerry-- *tugs at his shirt collar* My, it's getting awfully warm in here.....can we cut to a commercial break now?
*the camera man nods and they cut to a commercial break*
----
"This week on Jerry Springer.-The dark side of Milwaukee".
Jerry: It seems sthe perfect town. White picket fences, the aroma of fresh baked cookies. At first glance Milamukee, Wisconsin looks an ideal place to live. Or is it?
Jerry: Lets' bring out The Cunninghams!
(applause)
Jerry: Now Howard and Marion, why don't you tell us a little about your selfselves.
Howard: Well, I run a hardware store and we have two wonderful children..
Marion: Richie & Joanie. I'm so proud! They've both got families of their own now.
Jerry: What about your other son, Chuck?
Marion: I'm sorry, but you must be mistaken.
Jerry: I don;t think so.
Howard: Are you calling my wife a liar?
Jerry: No, He is...
(Enter Chuck Cunningham. The C's are shocked)
Chuck: That's right don;t say anything. Everyone thinks you too are sooo perfect.
Jerry: Care to explain this. Is this really your son?
Howard: Well, yes..
Marion: Oh Chuck, I'm so sorry. Have you been keeping warm..
Jerry: Care to explain this?
Marion: Well, it's just that, he was always dribbling his basketball in the house..
Howard: We warned him about that!
Jerry: You threw him out fo that?
Marion: No he moved out.
Howard; Then he tried to turn Richie against us! He convinced him to move out for a little while! Well, that was the last straw. He's nothing but a troublemaker!
Jerry: Let's bring out Richie and get his reaction.
(Richie enters)
Jerry: How is seeing your brother again?
(Richie doesn't seem surprised)
Richie: Actually, Chuck contacted me a couple of years ago. We've been talking for a while.
Howard: No hold on a minute...
Richie: You hold on Dad! I can't believe what Chuck told me! I s it true?
Howard: (Sighs) Yes. I'm sorry Richie but it was for your own good.
Richie: My parents had me sent off to the army!
Jerry: Oh my God!
Marion: Now Richard. What were we to do? I mean you were wanting to drink soda with dinner... we had to get you in line somehow..
Richie: I'm soooo glad I'm moved to California!
Jerry: We've got another surprise. let's bring out K.C Cunningham!
K.C.: Well hi Jerry!
Tell us about your expereinces with your aunt and uncle.
K.C.: Well, it was great at first, it was like a dream come true.
Jerry: What happened?
K.C.: Well, everyone started to hear that Joanie, might be coming back. They were soooo happy. Joanie this, Joanie that.
Joanie! Joanie! Joanie!
Jerry: That's just terrible.
K.C.: Before I knew it, Jenny Piccaco was spreading rumors about me? I was devastated. I'm so pure you know. To think my own Aunt & Unlce instigated it, to get their "perfect" daughter back!
Jerry: Think that's something. Wait till you hear this, Let's bring out, Richie's best friend, Potsie Webber.
Jerry: Potsie, why don't you tell us about the abuse you suffered at the hands of your parents.
Potsie: Well, my father and I never really got along. For me a home cooked meal was the DOG's leftovers. He didn't know it but I overheard him talking to mom. He actually said he "that half-retard is YOUR son" (Potise cries)
Jerry: Let's bring out or next guest.. Ralph Malph. Ralph what's your story.
Ralph: My parents Mickey & Miinie Malph actually just diisaperered one day. Left home and nvere came back. Luckily my aunt and uncle stpped in and took care of me. I t wasn;t so bad at first. But when I told my uncle I was going to be a comedian, he enlisted me in the army, jus like Richie's father.
Potsie: My dad tried to enlist me in the army, but they wouldn't take me!
Jerry: This all just so hear wrenching. Let's bring out Flip Phillips.
Flip: You know Jerry it amamzing just because my freinds and I were out partying and hit a little girl, they decided to send me back to NJ! Can you beleive that?
(Audience boos Flip off the stage)
Lets bring out our final guest-Ashley Pfister!
Jerry: Now Ashley, what happened?
Ashely: Well, first my wealthy parents disowned me when i married someone they didn't approve of...
Jerry: That's not unheard of...
Ashley: That's not the story! I had gotten thsi nice little apartment for me and my daughter. Then I met this WONDEFUL man. I though this was it.
Jerry: Then what happned?
Ashley: I started getting threatening phone calls. Telling me to leave town or I'd end up like my twin sister.
Jerry: Your sister?
Ashley: My sister Gloria dated Richie while he was in school, but then told me she was being threatened.
She was warned if she didn't stop seeing Richie that she'd have an "accident" that was the last time I spoke I to her.
Jerry: Oh my. So what happened next?
Ashely: What could I do, I had my daughter's safety to think about. I lied to Fonzie about getting back with my ex. I knew if he thought was for my daughter Heather he wouldn't question it.
Jerry: Well we have learned who has behind all this. MARION what do you have to say for yourself?
Marion: (First acts surprised!) You hussy! You're lucky you left. Your sister was trying to corrupt my son, right under our own roof!
There was no way I was letting you get your claws into Arthur!
(With that Ashey jumps Mrs. C and a fight breals out!)
Jerry: Well, that's all the time we have. Remember when your looking in that "perfect" neighborhood don't be so sure!
home_jerryjerryjerry.gif
Just another day on the Jerry Springer Show
signs_19.jpg
Does Ernie know about this???
Jerry: Today's eposode is about Women who can't make up their minds which man they love! Let's hear it for Joanie Cunningham!
Audence: (Applause.)
Jerry:Alright Joanie, now...what men can't you decide who you love?
Joanie: Well...I really love my boyfriend...but somehow I havn't quite gotten over my childhood crush. Potsie Webber.
Jerry: Is that all?
Joanie: Yeah.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Joanie: (getting upset) Yeah.
Jerry: Allright...let's bring out...Joanie's mystery man!
Audence: (Applause)
(Fonzie walks in, carring a boquet of roses)
Joanie: Fonzie?
Fonzie: (Dosen't say a word, just walks over, gets on one knee, hands a shocked Joanie the roses and gently kisses her hand.)
Joanie: (Repeating herself) Fonzie?!?!
Fonzie: Yeah. Me. Shortcake. I don't know when I fell in love with you...I just know I did.
Joanie: (Sitting there, staring into the roses) I came here to tell Chachi how I felt about Potsie...not...Oh my... (bursts into tears)
Fonzie: (Gets up from position on the floor and wraps his arms around her. She cries on him.) There there, Shortcake. I'm here, I'm here.
Jerry: Well, before this gets too sappy, let's bring out...the boyfriend!
(Chachi walks out, Audence splits between chears and boos)
Chachi: Joanie? Fonzie? Uh-oh. (Realizing) Joanie brings me on Jerry Springer...she's sitting with Fonzie... (Getting Angry...) Fonzie! Are you and Joanie...(voice trails off)
Joanie: Chach, this isn't what it looks like...
Chachi: Oh yeah, I'm sure it's not. (To Fonzie) I'm surprised at you, Fonz. Stealing other people's girls was always below you. But Joanie? That's just wrong Fonz. What would Richie say?
Fonzie: I didn't steal her. I just told her the truth. Something I think you should do.
Chachi: What are you talking about?
Fonzie: (getting to his feet) You think I havn't seen it? The way you and Jenny look at eachother? Shouldn't you tell her about that...or are you just stupid enough to think that you'll get away with two-timeing on her?
Chachi: For starters Fonz...you've seen how Jenny looks at *me* I wouldn't ever cheat on Joanie! (glaring at Joanie) but it's odviously not mutial.
Fonzie: Look, I don't think there's a better time for the truth to come out then here and now...so go ahead...tell her. Tell her about you and Jenny.
Chachi: (Opens his mouth to speak, then changes his mind, snaps it shut, and throws a punch at Fonzie)
Fonzie: (Catches the punch) Ohhh, that was real stupid. (Throws his own punch towards Chachi's stomach, a punch Chachi barly dodges)
(Steve starts to walk towards the near-fight, when Joanie leaps to her feet)
Joanie: Stop it! Stop it both of you! You're acting like Children! And I think maybe I should just tell Potsie how I feel and run off with him.
Fonzie and Chachi in unison: Potsie?
Jerry: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Potsie Webber!
Audence: (Applause)
(Potsie enters through the same door, walks in, his face assuming it's trademark clueless position.)
Joanie: (Jumps to her feet and races across the room) Potsie!
Potsie: Hi Joanie
(Joanie throws her arms around him and kisses him.)
Potsie: (After recovering from the kiss) Joanie? What was that...
Joanie: Potsie, I've had a crush on you since I was little and it just started to resurface a few months ago, and I came to Jerry because I wanted to tell you and Chachi about it but then Fonzie showed up and declared that he loved me and...and...it just got all messed up!
Potsie: Hua?
Joanie: (Takes her arms from around him) Forget it! You're not the man I fell in love with.
Chachi: So who is it, blue eyes? Who are you in love with? Me or Fonzie?
Joanie: Oh God. Just when Potsie's out of the running...I've got another choice to make...
Jerry: Maybe not so much of a choice.
Chachi: (Goes pale)
Joanie: Chachi? Is what Fonzie said true? About you and Jenny?
Chachi: Well...uh...
Jerry: Roll film!
(Film on the corner plays. It shows the inside of Chachi's place, a slight tap on the door is heard and Jenny enters. "Is your mom..." she begins. Chachi shakes his head no and Jenny jumps into his arms. They begin kissing. The kiss intencifies...)
Jerry: I think that's enough
Joanie: (Tears in her eyes) Chach...
Chachi: Joanie, I'm sorry. You started teaching...and suddenly you wern't there. And well...Jenny was.
Joanie: Chachi, you were in your appartment! With Jenny! And I don't need to see the rest of the vidio to know what happened!
Chachi: I didn't want to go that far! I swear I didn't!
Jerry: Should we play more of the vidio?
Chachi: (Flushing) No.
Joanie: You know, there really is no choice. (To Fonzie) Fonzie, I never really thought of you in that way before. Give me a chance...and I might love you.
Fonzie: (Sits back on the couch) I love you, shortcake. (Leans in and gives her an intence kiss. Joanie: (After breaking off from the kiss) Oh Fonz! (They begin to kiss agian.
Potsie: (Still confused) Wait...Joanie came to Jerry because she thought she was in love with me...then she realised she wasn't...but saw Chachi and Jenny together so she fell in love with Fonzie? What am I? A tool?
Jerry: An iddiot would be more approapate.
Chachi: Thanks alot Potsie.
Jerry: Next eposode, men who feel like women just used them to get to someone else.
Marion: How could you Howard! When did this happen?
Howard: Marion i...
Fran: I'll tell you when! When you ran off to your mother's!
I was just consling him. He deserves better than you!
Marion: You witch! (Marion charges Fern.. and they are broken up security)
Fonzie jumps and stage and yells "Cool it!"
Everyone calms down.
Jerry: Who are you?
Fonz: I'm the Fonz! AAAAYYY!
(audience cheers)
Fonz: I can't believe it Mr. C.
Mr.c : I was going through a bad time. Marion and I were fighting, Joanie was in Chicage w/Chachi. My business was in trouble and I had no one to turn to. I went out bowling and Fren noticed I was upset. I know it was wrong but I couldn't help it. I needed someone and she was there for me.
(Mrs C. is in tears, Fonz goes over to to her);
Fonz: Now, Mrs. C. I know Mr C. messed up but he's human.
I know he loves you.
Mrs C. Oh Arthur, I don;t know what to think.
Jerry: Did you say Arthur?
Mrs C. Why yes.
Jerry: The same "Arthur" you've been secretly having an affair with!
(Audience ooohs and ahhs)
Mr C.: Marion! You've got alot of explaining to do!
Mrs C.: Oh sit on it Howard! What did you expect me to do?
You're almost never home. Always bowling, at the lodge, at work or going off to some game! When you are home all you want to do is sit around and watch TV!
Fonz: Whooooaaaa...
(The C's both calm down).
Mr C. : Oh, you know Marion you're right. I'm sorry. I guess I never really though about how you felt. I guess if you really love Fonzie...
Mrs C.: Oh no Howard! I was just so hurt and confused.
I've behaved so awefully...
Mr C. We both have.
Fonzie: I guess I'll be going now.
Mr C. Wait Fonz. I don't blame you. If I could make a mistake, you can too.
Fonz: (hesitantly) I guess. Let me make it up to you Mr. C
(Fern is trying to leave) "Oh Fern",. Is there something you'd like to tell all of us?
(Fern is silent)
Fonz: "Now"
Fern"Oh allright! I'm not pregnant I just wanted Howard for myself. I see now that's not possible.
Fonz: I think you've learned your lesson. Why don't I take you to Arnold's for a bite?
Fern: That'd be nice.
Jerry: Well, it look like everything's cleared up here. Or is it?
Jerry: Let's bring out The Cunningham's son Richie & his wife Lori Beth!
(applause Fonz sees Richie and after a tense moment they hug).
Richie: I guess if my father can forgive you Fonz I can too.
Fonz: Thanks, Red.
Jerry: So you anf Fonzie are best friends, Richie?
Richie: "Yes. Fonzie always been there for me, from protecting me when I was a teenage to delivering my baby while I was in the army."
Jerry: That's interesting. Fonzie deliverd your baby.
Richie: Yeah, he was even my proxy over the phone so I could marry my wife while I was in Greenland.
LB: Fonzie's a great guy!
Jerry: Lori Beth, when are you going to tell Richie the truth?
LB: No please...
Jerry: Richie, you are Lori Beth arenlt married at all.
The minister over the phone was actually marrying Fonzie and Lori Beth!
Richie" WHAATT!
LB: "Oh Rich, I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't break your heart. You're such a nice guy.
Richie: You'd rather embarass me on national TV!
LB: It was just too much. Fonzie was there for me like no other man has ever been. He just makes me feel so good. He's so cool. I like you but.
Richie: Let me guess "I'm hum-drum".
LB: Wellll.. I'm sorry Richie, I really am.
Fonz: Me too. I never meant for this to happen.
Mr C. That's the SECOND time you'eve said that today Fonz?
Fonz: What am I supposed to do? I'm a good guy. But chicks dig me. Richie this isn;t so bad.
Richie: Are you kidding me Fonz? My best friend steals my wiffe who I wasn't even married to? No so bad!
Fonz: Rich, I own a garage, and half of Arnold's. I'll be a great provider. I know it's been tough for you pursueing your dream...
(Fonz outs his arm around Richie)
Richie "Pursuing my dream".
Fonz: In California. You wonlt have to worry about providing for a family.
Richie: What about my son?
Lori Beth: Well, he's not really ours.
Richie: But the hair he can't be Fonzie's.
Lori Beth: He's not Fonzie's either.
Rich & Fonz: Then who's the father?
(Chuck Cunningham enters the stage)
Chuck: You guys thought you were so smart! You were always jealous of me. You though you got rid of me.
Lori Beth: I love you Chuck.
Chuck: I love you too LB. Let's go!
(Lori Beth & Chuck leave)
Richie: I guess we've both been played Fonz. Still freinds?
Fonz: You know it. (Richie & Fonzie hug)
Jerry: This all very touching. We've got another surprise.
Let's bring out Chachi & Joanie-Cunningham-Arcola!
Chachi: I don't like this Joanie. Why are we out here?
Don't tell me you've been cheating on me with Fonz too!
Joanie: Of course not!
Chachi: Thank God. I should have known you'd never be unfaithful to me to Joanie.
Jerry: She didn't say that..
Joanie: Hey!
Chachi: Oh, god. Why Joanie.
Joanie: Well, Chach, you went to Chicago. You didn't care how I felt. I was lonely. I needed someone.
Chachi: Who is he?
Joanie: It's not a he..
(Jenny Piccalo enters)
Jenny Piccalo: It's me!
Jerry: That's all the time we have see you next week!

----
*Joanie Cunningham walks out on stage*
Jerry-- Here, we have young Joanie Cunningham. She has some questions she wants answered. And though while we usually bring on guests who have confessions, this time we are bringing a guest who WANTS confessions......
Joanie-- Hi everyone!
Jerry- So, Joanie, which question are you going to ask first?
Joanie-- Well, I know my family has been arrested for locking my brother and his clone up and keeping them hidden in closets and attics, but what I want to know is why.
Jerry- Let's find out. Please bring out Joanie's parents, Howard and Marion Cunningham.
*Howard and Marion come out wearing orange jumpsuits, handcuffs, and shackles*
Jerry-- Howard, Marion, please have a seat.
Marion-- Oh Joanie, how ARE you? Are you eating well? You look a little pale.....
Joanie-- I'm okay, Mom.....Fonzie is taking REAL good care of me....
Howard-- Fonzie?
Joanie-- Yep, I'm staying with him in his apartment now.
Marion-- Joanie, you were supposed to stay with Mother, not Fonzie.....
Joanie-- That witch? Shucks, Mom, Fonzie is MUCH more fun.....
Jerry-- Joanie, just how much fun IS Fonzie......
Joanie-- Well, he's always got these magazines lying around. I've become so well educated, that Jenny is now coming to ME for advice. And the things I've learned from spying on him and his girlfriends! *giggles*
Howard-- Why that..!
Joanie-- But, recently, I've found a much deeper relationship with Fonzie
Marion-- Oh Joanie.....please don't say.....
Joanie-- That's right Mom! We've become an item!
Howard-- Joanie! You're only fourteen!
Marion-- How could you? That's illegal!
*Just then Fonzie walks out and the audience goes wild. Girls scream excitedly in the background just at the sight of the Fonz*
Fonz-- Aaaayyhhhhh......
*Fonzie sits in a chair and Joanie goes over and sits on his lap. Fonz holds her and smells her hair.*
Howard-- You #$%%%@#!
Marion-- Oh my.....*faints*
Jerry-- But, let's bring out another guest. This one comes all the way from the Cunningham's hallway closet.....
*Chuck #2 comes walking on stage*
Jerry-- Welcome, Chuck. Now I've heard that you have a confession to make, also.....
Chuck-- Well, you see, it's been lonely in that closet all these years, and well........*eyes up Joanie* You just don't know what it's like. Joanie has been the only girl I've seen. And she always smiles at me before she dumps her coat and galoshes on my head. None of the others did that! They just pretended I wasn't there!
Joanie-- Chuck?! I had no idea.....
Chuck-- There they are....those big, beautiful blue eyes that have peeping into that dark closet for years. You know, she once even tossed a bowl of spinach in on me. Imagine that! She cared enough to feed me!
Joanie-- *blushes* Well, actually, I just didn't want to eat the spinach.....and Mom said I couldn't leave the table until I ate all my dinner.....and I just couldn't wait to go see Lori Beth! *swoons*
Jerry-- Speaking of whom, Lori Beth and Richi Cunningham have been waiting backstage. They've been watching the entire thing on screen!
*Richie and LB walk on stage*
Richie-- (to Fonz) Buster, you'd better watch out! I'm going to tear you're head off and use it as a basketball!
Fonzie-- Whhoooaaaahhhhh......!
Fonzie-- Richie, think for a minute......who got you that date with Mrs. O' Malley, your tenth grade English teacher?
Richie-- *smiles* Oh yeeaahhhh, I remember that.....we ummm.....hhhhmmmm......alll night long......grins*
Fonzie-- But, you've got worse problems, Red. Your own brother is trying to make the moves on Shortcake......*he kisses Joanie*
Richie-- Chuck, how could you? She's our sister, for pete's sake!
Chuck-- It was just so lonely in that closet.....
Lori Beth (not being the brightest person, just gets Joanie's comment about sneking out to see her)-- Joanie!
Joanie-- Lori Beth, Richie could never love you like I could! One day he'll desert his entire family, including you, and run off to Greendland. Sure, he'll say he's in the army, but.......
Lori Beth-- Joanie......
Joanie-- He won't even make it to your own wedding.......and he'll lie and say that he's serving our country. But, he's just serving his own demented needs......
Richie-- What are you accusing me of?
Joanie-- Rich, we ALL know what you do in your spare time......
Richie-- Huh? What do I do?
Joanie-- I've heard the noises.....heck, they're loud enough to wake the entire neighborhood.......
Richie-- You have?
Joanie-- And the fact that Ralph Malph is always climbing a ladder and sneaking into your room.......well, didn't you think anyone would ever become suspicious?
Richie-- *blushes* Ummmmm.....where's the nearest exit?
Jerry-- Haha....I don't think you can escape THAT easily......
*Ralph Malph walks out carrying a basket of candy*
Richie-- Ralph! Run! They're on to us!
Ralph-- Richie, I can't......we have to confess. The guilt is killing me!
Richie-- But, Ralph.....
*Ralph passes out the candy to everyone on stage*
Jerry-- Mmmm.....this is really good!
Ralph-- That's right, folks. We've started our own candy making business!
Richie-- Ralpph! I asked you not to tell them!
Fonzie-- Ugghhhh....Iccckkk....Arggghhh.....what is IN this?
Ralph-- Well, we couldn't figure out how to get that creamy, brown texture....so......
Fonzie-- Malph! What did you put in this?!
Ralph-- Well, let's just say that the Cooper's cocker spaniel provided just the right ingredient........
*people start gagging and gasping for breath*
*Just then, the camera fades out*

----
Oprah. *Yawn*
imagesewe.jpg
Go to Oprah! Go to Oprah!
Look! A happy ending! *Gasp* Say it with me: Go to Oprah! Go to Oprah! Go to Oprah!
 
Jerry: Today's eposode is about Women who can't make up their minds which man they love! Let's hear it for Joanie Cunningham!
Audence: (Applause.)
Jerry:Alright Joanie, now...what men can't you decide who you love?
Joanie: Well...I really love my boyfriend...but somehow I havn't quite gotten over my childhood crush. Potsie Webber.
Jerry: Is that all?
Joanie: Yeah.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Joanie: (getting upset) Yeah.
Jerry: Allright...let's bring out...Joanie's mystery man!
Audence: (Applause)
(Fonzie walks in, carring a boquet of roses)
Joanie: Fonzie?
Fonzie: (Dosen't say a word, just walks over, gets on one knee, hands a shocked Joanie the roses and gently kisses her hand.)
Joanie: (Repeating herself) Fonzie?!?!
Fonzie: Yeah. Me. Shortcake. I don't know when I fell in love with you...I just know I did.
Joanie: (Sitting there, staring into the roses) I came here to tell Chachi how I felt about Potsie...not...Oh my... (bursts into tears)
Fonzie: (Gets up from position on the floor and wraps his arms around her. She cries on him.) There there, Shortcake. I'm here, I'm here.
Jerry: Well, before this gets too sappy, let's bring out...the boyfriend!
(Chachi walks out, Audence splits between chears and boos)
Chachi: Joanie? Fonzie? Uh-oh. (Realizing) Joanie brings me on Jerry Springer...she's sitting with Fonzie... (Getting Angry...) Fonzie! Are you and Joanie...(voice trails off)
Joanie: Chach, this isn't what it looks like...
Chachi: Oh yeah, I'm sure it's not. (To Fonzie) I'm surprised at you, Fonz. Stealing other people's girls was always below you. But Joanie? That's just wrong Fonz. What would Richie say?
Fonzie: I didn't steal her. I just told her the truth. Something I think you should do.
Chachi: What are you talking about?
Fonzie: (getting to his feet) You think I havn't seen it? The way you and Jenny look at eachother? Shouldn't you tell her about that...or are you just stupid enough to think that you'll get away with two-timeing on her?
Chachi: For starters Fonz...you've seen how Jenny looks at *me* I wouldn't ever cheat on Joanie! (glaring at Joanie) but it's odviously not mutial.
Fonzie: Look, I don't think there's a better time for the truth to come out then here and now...so go ahead...tell her. Tell her about you and Jenny.
Chachi: (Opens his mouth to speak, then changes his mind, snaps it shut, and throws a punch at Fonzie)
Fonzie: (Catches the punch) Ohhh, that was real stupid. (Throws his own punch towards Chachi's stomach, a punch Chachi barly dodges)
(Steve starts to walk towards the near-fight, when Joanie leaps to her feet)
Joanie: Stop it! Stop it both of you! You're acting like Children! And I think maybe I should just tell Potsie how I feel and run off with him.
Fonzie and Chachi in unison: Potsie?
Jerry: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Potsie Webber!
Audence: (Applause)
(Potsie enters through the same door, walks in, his face assuming it's trademark clueless position.)
Joanie: (Jumps to her feet and races across the room) Potsie!
Potsie: Hi Joanie
(Joanie throws her arms around him and kisses him.)
Potsie: (After recovering from the kiss) Joanie? What was that...
Joanie: Potsie, I've had a crush on you since I was little and it just started to resurface a few months ago, and I came to Jerry because I wanted to tell you and Chachi about it but then Fonzie showed up and declared that he loved me and...and...it just got all messed up!
Potsie: Hua?
Joanie: (Takes her arms from around him) Forget it! You're not the man I fell in love with.
Chachi: So who is it, blue eyes? Who are you in love with? Me or Fonzie?
Joanie: Oh God. Just when Potsie's out of the running...I've got another choice to make...
Jerry: Maybe not so much of a choice.
Chachi: (Goes pale)
Joanie: Chachi? Is what Fonzie said true? About you and Jenny?
Chachi: Well...uh...
Jerry: Roll film!
(Film on the corner plays. It shows the inside of Chachi's place, a slight tap on the door is heard and Jenny enters. "Is your mom..." she begins. Chachi shakes his head no and Jenny jumps into his arms. They begin kissing. The kiss intencifies...)
Jerry: I think that's enough
Joanie: (Tears in her eyes) Chach...
Chachi: Joanie, I'm sorry. You started teaching...and suddenly you wern't there. And well...Jenny was.
Joanie: Chachi, you were in your appartment! With Jenny! And I don't need to see the rest of the vidio to know what happened!
Chachi: I didn't want to go that far! I swear I didn't!
Jerry: Should we play more of the vidio?
Chachi: (Flushing) No.
Joanie: You know, there really is no choice. (To Fonzie) Fonzie, I never really thought of you in that way before. Give me a chance...and I might love you.
Fonzie: (Sits back on the couch) I love you, shortcake. (Leans in and gives her an intence kiss.
Joanie: (After breaking off from the kiss) Oh Fonz! (They begin to kiss agian.
Potsie: (Still confused) Wait...Joanie came to Jerry because she thought she was in love with me...then she realised she wasn't...but saw Chachi and Jenny together so she fell in love with Fonzie? What am I? A tool?
Jerry: An iddiot would be more approapate.
Chachi: Thanks alot Potsie.
Jerry: Next eposode, men who feel like women just used them to get to someone else.

Look at them! So innocent, so pure! Ha!
joaniechachiwedding.jpg
Another middle-class family gone wrong...
Richie and The Fonz..
hd18.jpg
...the inspiration for RuPaul!!
*Applause*
image2.jpg
What?!? No chair being thrown?? EDIT!

Steve! Steve! Steve!!

*Thanks to EVERYONE  from Happy Days message board for the stories. Must appreciated!